For Mother’s Day Tell Mom She’s Not Special

Men love their mothers. Everyone knows that. You can tell your buddy that he smells or that he’s an idiot, and he’ll laugh it off, but you best not say a word about his mom. Everyone knows that.

Here are some of the things men say about their moms. “She’s the strongest person I know.” “She was incredibly smart.” “She was the hardest worker.”

I used to find it endearing when men spoke about their mothers this way. Often choked up, they speak as if they respect their mother more than anything else or anyone else in the world. There’s no way this man can be sexist, right?

If most men feel this way about their mothers, and if we know there are a lot of sexist men, then something doesn’t add up. I am starting to think that a lot of men seem to think that their mother is some sort of female warrior outlier. She is or was so special not because she, like many women, could budget for the house and build a fence and soothe a bee sting and work full time and drive everyone everywhere and help with algebra, but because she was one of the only women who could do all those things.

Better than MOST women.

Ask your friends, men. They will probably also have warrior outlier moms. Amazing! You and your friends happen to have moms that are better than most women.

The other day I commented on my Twitter account about Chris Matthews saying on Hardball that Sally Yates had handled herself in a way that some women don’t know how to. Just like men with their moms! Complimentary, with such respect, but only for that one woman, as if she were an exception to the rule.

Women are strong. Women are smart. Women can handle themselves in a hearing in front of congress. Your mom is not special. She’s a woman. And I suspect she wouldn’t mind hearing that you realize that this Mother’s Day.

 

Jesus Was on the Cutting Edge of Feminism, So Why Did the Church Fall Behind?

I was in the grocery store today, and I heard a man behind me jokingly telling his friend, “So manly.” He was clearly making fun of his friend for a “nonmanly” purchase or something, and the friend was in on the joke, too. It was all in good fun, and I didn’t think there was anything wrong with the exchange, but I wasn’t surprised to hear the rest of the exchange, in which I found out that they were church friends who had run into each other.

The man who had said “so manly” looked very, well, manly-man. Tall, bearded, with a short, pretty wife and a few kids. In fact, I recognized his wife from a multi-church event. I knew how much time and effort she put into parenting and volunteer work. I knew some very personal, heartbreaking struggles she’d had. She either didn’t recognize me or didn’t see me.

While I was checking out, a grocery cart tipped over and crashed to the ground, and everyone turned to make sure that a kid hadn’t fallen. “She’s okay,” we heard and all breathed a sigh of relief. It was only a child-sized cart that the young shopper had lost control of. Another man said, “Shopper in training!”

“Unfortunately she’ll become an expert,” I heard from behind me. Turns out Manly Church Man was checking out at the register next to mine. “Probably more of an expert than even my wife.”

Here’s what I wish I would have said. DON’T YOU SHAME YOUR WIFE! SHE PROBABLY DOES A SHITLOAD MORE FOR YOUR FAMILY THAN YOU DO! AND DON’T YOU TELL A STRANGER’S LITTLE GIRL THAT SHE’S GOING TO GROW UP TO BE A FRIVOLOUS SPENDER! But I only looked my cashier in the eye and wondered if she’d heard the same thing.

Why are so many church men stuck in this picture of manliness? Millions of dollars are spent every year on nonfiction Christian books aimed specifically at men. Just look at their titles and covers. Old school masculinity being sold like it’s not being sold to any other group of men.

Jesus spoke to women with as much respect as he spoke to men. Angels spoke to women just like they spoke to men. I still struggle with Paul’s words about women not speaking and wonder if God would really want them in the Bible. (Here’s a site that explores the misunderstanding about Paul’s words: https://www.gotquestions.org/women-silent-church.html )

Not only does the church’s view of masculinity hurt women, it hurts men. Young men who do not fit the typical picture of a church man don’t feel like they belong at church. What if they want to wear makeup? What if they don’t like sports or camping? Did Jesus die for them? Yes! Can they be powerful for the kingdom? Yes! Let’s not hinder them.

And if the manly church man culture hurts women and young men, it hurts Jesus. It hurts Jesus because Jesus feels the hurts that we feel, and it hurts Jesus because when nonchristian people don’t want any part of Christianity because it offends them (for nonlegitimate reasons—I’m not saying that we should deny Biblical truths to go along with society) Jesus loses many opportunities to save.

Ouch.

So, Manly Church Man, when you’re at the grocery store, people are listening to the way you talk about your wife. In a society that’s reeling from the misogyny of the current White House administration, they are listening more closely than ever.

Don’t limit Jesus.

And for goodness sake, tell your wife today how much you appreciate her.

Why A Day Without A Woman Accomplished Nothing

Yesterday my husband texted me asking if I could take our daughter to piano lessons instead of his taking her. He needed to take one of his school’s instruments to the repair shop. I wrote back that I could, but that it was one of the things I wasn’t supposed to do on “A Day Without a Woman.” He texted back and said “I will figure it out. No worries.”

He respected the day even though he knows that he already appreciates how much women do. So what happened to the tuba? The other band teacher, MY HUSBAND’S FEMALE COWORKER, TOOK IT IN! No, no, no, no no!

This is why A Day Without a Woman accomplished nothing. So many women I knew said that they just could not let the ball drop. Their job was too important. THAT’S THE POINT. Your job IS too important not to be done, and if we don’t show that to the country and the people in charge, and we don’t show them that we won’t continue to work for less money and we won’t stand by and watch our rights be stripped by a man who doesn’t respect women (no matter what he says) and his sycophantic largely male followers.

Did you know that there are only two women in 45’s cabinet? One is Betsy DeVos, and one is married to Mitch McConnell, the majority leader of the senate and a very important person for 45 to have on his side.

And so my husband’s school will have their best, shiniest tuba in the concert tonight. Was it worth it? Could they have found a less shiny tuba to use today? (Yes.) Might the student have understood and played their less shiny tuba in solidarity? (Probably.)

I recognize that not every woman can strike. By all means, if you won’t be able to feed your kids or if you are performing heart surgery, please don’t strike!

But otherwise. Women, we could shut this thing down. We could make the country come to a grinding halt. But we didn’t. Why? 1. Some of us don’t think things are bad enough to protest about. We don’t get executed for having affairs, I guess. And 2. We have an epidemic of codependency. We need to think we can’t be spared for a day.

But that’s the point. The country CAN’T run without us for a day, and next time we have a Day Without a Woman, maybe things will have gotten so bad that more people will realize we need to show the country just how dependent on us they are.

Why Don’t Some Women Like Feminists?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot on this International Women’s Day. Why do some women trash feminism? I want to write this quickly so I can share it today, so here are a few reasons that came to me. They’re just initial ideas, so don’t come down on me too harshly!

They Don’t Know What “Feminist” Really Means

They’ve been told that feminists think women are better than men. They’ve been told (sometimes by feminist women) that they shouldn’t wear high heels and makeup, when really feminism means they’re free to be any kind of woman they want, so long as they respect other women’s rights to do the same. I hate makeup, but I don’t think YOU have to hate makeup!

They Have Misplaced Self Esteem

They’ve been taught that they are the gender whose value lies in outer beauty. They’ve been taught that being a helpful wife is their highest goal. Being a helpful wife is a GREAT thing, but it’s not the only thing. They think it’s wrong to fight for equal rights, which is really sad.

They Are Actually Men

Some of the sexy profile pics of women on Twitter are actually men. Horrible, terrible men. To be clear, I don’t mean that all men are horrible and terrible.

Feminism is simply equality. Feminists come in all shapes and sizes and shoes and hairstyles and careers, and even genders. Feminists gave us the right to vote, and now they will get us equal pay and equal representation in upper government and movie directing and CEO’s. Happy International Women’s Day. We’ve got a little way to go, and feminists are the only ones who are going to get us there.

When the Left Forgets to Be Feminist

(This is reblogged from my humor blog.)

Last night I watched The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. He showed a clip of Rep. Chris Collins (R) saying that the GOP had been quiet about the resignation of security adviser Michael Flynn because “It’s Valentine’s Day, and I guess they were having breakfast with their wives.”

I waited for Stephen to say what I was thinking, which he often does. He didn’t.

After The Late Show I switched to Seth Meyers who made fun of the same Collins quote, and he didn’t say what I was thinking either.

YOU GUYS MISSED THE OBVIOUS CRITICISM OF COLLINS AND THE GOP’S WAY OF THINKING.

The most ridiculous thing about Collins’s statement was not that Valentine’s breakfast was a lame excuse (though it was) but that Republicans speak of high level politicians as exclusively straight males. If he could have added something to his comment to insinuate that the GOP was straight WHITE men, he probably would have. “They were having breakfast AT THE GOLF CLUB with their wives?”

Side note: As I Googled to see which specific whites only golf club I could refer to in the above paragraph, I learned that Augusta National Golf Club accepted black men before it accepted women. 

So step it up, Colbert and Meyers. Women might not be able to get your late night jobs, but we’re counting on you to think of how you’d react to something if you were a woman. We know you care.